Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
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“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Thank you corporation very cool
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Wednesday
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.