Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
You Might Also Like
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.