I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
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I think I’ll stand
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.