Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
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Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend