There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
why am I working on Labor Day
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.