cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
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Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*