It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.