I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
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YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.