Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
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I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.