Don’t talk down to me
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[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”