Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.