“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
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Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!