If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
wut hotdog?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ