i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
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Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My blood type is b hungry.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Strange