“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
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Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Same pineapple, same
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
When your man makes a valid point
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
good morning