99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Scream sneezers need love too.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?