“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.