#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.