[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
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Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
honestly, i need both:
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Phones down.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month