*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
reduce, reuse, recycle
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.