I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
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My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
beware of dog
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.