Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
You Might Also Like
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG