Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
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Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I feel this so hard
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
dictator is short for richard potato
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse