*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
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Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date