I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
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me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Inside you there are two wolves
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.