*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
You Might Also Like
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.