My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*