Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
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The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.