Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
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“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
no!! no!!!!!!
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
So glad we cleared that up
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?