No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
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Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
nature’s most graceful animal
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.