People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really