If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
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A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
life finds a way
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.