The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
You Might Also Like
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!