My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
You Might Also Like
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
turtles are just lizards who work in construction