My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
True
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Erm…
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.