I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?