Don’t make me out nice you.
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GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.