Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
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[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
grotesque if literal: baby food
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.