Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
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I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I’m not stressed
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.