white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.