There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
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Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I’m having an out of money experience.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.