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After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.