HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Whisper out to librarians!
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.