Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Kids: Stay in school.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent