Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
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Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.