Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
this is the best day of my life
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god