Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
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At least my masseuse has my back.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.