Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
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the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Worth a try
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”