20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.