Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Who.
Did.
This?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Received some very disappointing news today
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My wife gives the best headache.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.